Editor's Note: This document is speculation. It is not real. In my opinion and that of the Freeman Center staff, it is 100% accurate in representing the views of the Israeli left. All this said, the reader should remember that it is a parody.
In light of the tragedy, it is incumbent upon all of us to totally revamp Jewish education in Israel and in the diaspora. Even a cursory examination of Jewish Education reveals a pre-occupation with what one historian has called the "lachrymose version of Jewish history." According to this approach, Jewish history is taught as one catastrophe after another, one misfortune after another, one mehdal after another. This can only lead to children developing feelings of repressed anger and overt hostility to Jews' perceived and imagined enemies. Basically, then, Jewish education incites Jews to hate goyim, and Jews they perceive as not militant enough in their "protection" of Jewish interests. This incitement of our children leads them to fanaticism and extremism; from thence to murder.
The Holocaust Business
Our pre-occupation with the Holocaust is our biggest problem. Jews all over the world, and particularly, here in Israel are obsessed with the Holocaust. They forget that only 1/3 of the World's Jews were killed. That did, of course, leave a majority, or 2/3 of the Jews alive. As everyone knows, even a majority of one is a majority. World Jewry continue to see the Holocaust as a case of the glass being half empty instead of appreciating that it is half full. Furthermore, there are a number of unpleasant associations with the Holocaust, the memory of which continues to agitate the Jews. First, of course, is Hitler's Germany breaking the Treaty of Versailles, rearming and occupying the Ruhr and the Rhineland. Second, is the behavior of the Great Powers in failing to observe their agreements guaranteeing the independence and territorial integrity of Czechoslovakia. Third, is the trip of British Prime Minister Neville Chamberlain to visit Hitler at Berchestgaden; upon his return he declared that Herr Hitler looks to be a man who can be trusted, and that Herr Hitler has no further territorial designs in Europe. After his return from the international peace conference at Munich, Chamberlain alighted from his aircraft and, umbrella in hand, announced that he had brought England "peace for our time." Unfortunately, peace was short-lived. The following year, Hitler swallowed up the rest of Czechoslovakia and then invaded Poland. (Winston Churchill, then M.P., obviously not a loyal peace partner with Adolph, as was Chamberlain rose in Parliament and addressed Chamberlain: "You had a choice between war and dishonour; you chose dishonour and you shall have war.")
There are two main problems with the Jews' obsessions with the Holocaust. First, obviously, is the historical parallels to our negotiations with the former-murderer and former-terrorist, Arafat. It will continue to be difficult for us to convince the Israeli public and informed Jews (not to mention Gentiles) around the World that Arafat is a man of his word and that he will settle for whatever territory we plan to give him, so long as the memory of the Holocaust is kept alive. There are some Jews and more Israelis who believe that throwing steaks to a tiger does not transmogrify the tiger into a vegetarian. Secondly, we are a very pragmatic people. It wasn't the terrorist Jabotinsky-ites harassing the British who gave birth to Israel, it was the socialist Zionists from Russia who created facts on the ground by building kibbutzim and draining the Hula swamp (that we will need to re-flood the Hula because of the environmental disaster we created will be the subject of another memo). Anyway, Germany is now our closest friend in Europe. We need their political support and their economic investment in Israel. Even the Baltic countries, such as Lithuania, which slaughtered nearly every single Jew living in the country, is begging us, now, for help industrializing with high tech and advanced agricultural techniques. How can we continue to incite the Israeli population with tired old propaganda about the atrocities committed by the Germans, Lithuanians, Ukrainians, etc.? This can only sour economic relations with these countries, with whom we wish to develop ties, so that we can make more money and turn Tel Aviv into the "Hong Kong" or economic capital of the Middle East, allowing us to make fabulous fortunes. Finally, obsessive concern with the minutiae of the Holocaust, reminds Israelis, among other things, of the collaboration of the Arab Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, Haj Amin el Husseini with Mussolini and Hitler during the war, helping to plan the annihilation of the Jews. Since one of our main peace partners is the unofficial Palestinian mayor of Jerusalem, Faisal Husseini, one of the Haj's cousins, it is not a pleasant association to recall.
In order to stop the incitement of Israelis against the peace process we have embarked on with our Palestinian brothers, and in order to solidify our ability to make money from, inter alia, the newborn nations of Eastern Europe, We propose the following:
We close the Yad Vashem memorial and museum in Jerusalem. By eliminating this prominent reminder of the Holocaust, we remove one obstacle to peace. Absent the hateful and vengeful thoughts that follow the visitor to Yad Vashem, paranoia, fear and distrust of Palestinians and other former-enemies will simply not develop. Thus, we will be able to live in peace and harmony with the Palestinians, with the blessings of the World (including, of course, the grateful Germans and Lithuanians, who would just as soon not be constantly reminded of their mass murders).
We turn Yad Vashem over to the Palestinians for them to build a museum of their own (either we or the Americans will fund construction and development) to celebrate Palestinian history and culture. Imagine, first, what a wonderful gesture this would be! We would be giving the Palestinians a piece of prime real estate in Jerusalem, worth millions, over which they could claim sovereignty and in which they could create ab nihilo a history using all the latest computers and multimedia technology (which we would sell to them and pocket the profit). There is no doubt that this gesture would endear us to the World and show how well we are accepted by the international community. Secondly, we Israelis (especially the fanatical, fascist right-wingers) could make regular pilgrimages to the Palestinian museum to remind ourselves how shallow we were to think that we could flout Jewish tradition by trying to dominate another people (as Charles deGaulle so eloquently put it). To ensure that the peace continue, we should require that all Israeli schoolchildren be required to make a tiyyul to the Palestinian museum, beginning in fourth grade, and that questions about the concocted Palestinian history be included on high school seniors' bagrut examinations. Since our education minister has eliminated Tanach as a content area from the bagrut exam, we will have room to add Palestinian Arab History as a content area.
We should close the Beit Ha-tfutzot, the Diaspora Museum, in Tel Aviv. This museum does nothing but incite the hundreds of thousands of Jews from America and other countries who come to visit Israel, by showing them the lost Jewish cultures of Europe, that were destroyed in the Holocaust and earlier pogroms. We have enough trouble as it is with American Jews giving us unsolicited advice (in contra-distinction to solicited money, which we would still like to encourage), we hardly need to agitate them emotionally in a way that would make them feel hateful to our former enemies or current partners in the peace process.
We donate the Diaspora Museum to the Palestinians (they could even keep the same name). By giving them a foothold in the heart of Israel, we will show them how much we care about them and defuse any fantasies they might have about taking over the rest of Israel. In addition, think of all the money Arab tourists will spend in the boutiques of Tel Aviv on their way to visit the Palestinian Museum of the Diaspora. In addition, without the Beit Ha-Tfutzot tourist attraction, we won't have so many damn American Jews visiting this country and polluting it with their subversive, ideas of Western so called democracy.
We must teach schoolchildren Arab history (being careful to skip the part about the "Peace of Hudaibiyyah" and the part about the friendly Arab overtures to the Jews of Hebron in 1929). Teaching Jewish history, Torah, Rabbinics and philosophy will, of course, be outlawed, since these vile anachronistic teachings only incite Jews to violence against Arabs and peace-loving Jews (see below). Old-time religion has no place in the new Middle East, where booming economies and fat bank accounts (whether in Israel or in New York) will make everyone happy.
Our dear, recently deceased, intellectual guru, Hebrew University professor, Yeshayahu Leibovitz, who gave most of us our intellectual strength (along with philosophers such as Karl and Groucho Marx, A. D. Gordon and Yael Dayan), is remembered by our enemies as the man who coined the term Judeo-Nazis to refer to anyone whose political position was to the right of Josef Stalin. This is quite an embarrassment for us, as we try to pin the label of verbal extremists and inciters to murder on our right wing fascist enemies such as Bibi Netanyahu. We propose that we claim that the phrase Leibovitz really coined was Judeo-Phobias, to refer to Arabs and other goyim who are afraid to be around Jews because of the extremism and verbal fanaticism of the right wing in Israel and Borough Park. We're sure we can get our colleagues in the Universities (Bar Ilan might be an exception) to support us on this.
The Jewish calendar as it exists today must be changed. It is little more than a blueprint for strife with our partners for peace, with its incitement to hatred of everyone not Jewish.
Rosh Ha Shanah and Yom Kippur are nothing but holidays of self-flagellation for--get this--sins against God. These holidays do nothing except make Jews feel superior to the goyim who aren't as moral as we supposedly are. This does nothing except incite Jews and Israelis against our Moslem neighbors. These holidays should be eliminated. They could be replaced with one holiday to commemorate the atrocities we have committed against the Palestinians. Furthermore, it's time we dropped this moronic Biblical lunar calendar. At the cusp of the change to the 21st century, it is anachronistic for us to conduct our modern, secular lives based on a religious calendar. It is time we joined the rest of the world in using the Gregorian calendar.
Hanukkah must be canceled. If we expect to make and keep a peace with Syria, Israel's former enemy, we have to stop the annual wild celebrations commemorating Israel's defeat of the Syrians over 2 millennia ago. How can we make progress on the peace track if we continually stick it in Syria's eye that we have been defeating its armies in battle for 2,000 years? This is another example of how fanatical religious rabbis are trying to derail the peace train by inciting their followers to continue to celebrate this holiday. Furthermore, isn't it about time we stopped insulting the Greeks, our neighbor in the Mediterranean, by celebrating the defeat of Antiochus Epiphanus, the Greek ruler of ancient Syria?
Tu-bishvat has got to go. How are the Palestinians supposed to feel when they see us planting trees in what used to be their country? If the holiday is to be saved, we should make it a day when schoolchildren are excused from class to plant trees in Gaza and Palestinian Yehuda and Shomrom, to commemorate our uprooting of groves of their trees during the intifada, when we were trying to eliminate the hiding places of our terrorist former-enemies.
How can Purim stay? Iran, one of the largest countries in our area, and one of the most powerful, hates us because of our arrogance. Let us take the first step towards peace by canceling the holiday that commemorates the mass murder of Persians (the historic Iranians) by Mordecai and his fanatical followers after Haman's plans were foiled. It also makes no sense for us to continue to remind Israelis of Haman's plan to murder all the Jews. This is nothing more than incitement to hatred against Iranians. >From hateful thoughts, it is only a small step to hateful action.
Passover needs to be totally done over. Egypt has kept us at arms length since our peace treaty with it in 1979, and made a mockery of the peace agreement, because of our (that is, the Likud's) arrogance and rule over the Palestinians. Now that we have made peace with the Palestinians, we can expect that millions of Egyptian fellahin will come as tourists to Israel, spend money here, and invest in our economy. How can we ask the Egyptians to respect our peace treaty with them if year-in and year-out we insult them with our celebration of Passover, calling the Egyptians, "cruel taskmasters"? If stories of the Pharaoh ordering Jewish babies thrown into the Nile, and walling up Jewish slaves into the pyramids aren't incitement, we don't know what is. To continue the peace process, we must learn to respect other peoples, other nations, other cultures; not to continually remind them how they abused the Jews. Why not do a joint venture with the Egyptians: a huge adventure, theme park in the Sinai. In America, they have sophisticated video arcades, where rich Americans pay a fortune to fly mock, fighter jet sorties against each other in simulation. We could set up a facility in Sinai where we and the Egyptians fight actual reenactments of our battles from the Six-Day War and the Yom Kippur War, while rich Americans, Europeans, Asians, et al. pay big bucks to ride along with our troops and shoot actual tank rounds at dummy and robot targets. Since the right wing in Israel wants war so much, we could recruit only right wingers to drive the tanks and APCs. This would keep them out of Israel, and busy playing war, which is what they like to do so much, anyway. And if some of them were to be killed "accidentally" in war maneuvers, so much the pity.
Finally, it's time to eliminate those fast days which the right-wing fanatics love so much, such as 10 Teveth, 17 Tammuz, 9 Av. Constant reminders of the destruction of Jerusalem and the Temple (and all the other ridiculous events said to have occurred on those days, such as the expulsion of the Jews from Spain) only incite the fanatics among us to feel paranoid, persecuted, vengeful and unlikely to compromise for peace. Let's substitute for these archaic religious days of dirge a new holiday, which we could call "Hag", or on the day itself, the Hag Ha-Hagim. This holiday will celebrate our new era of peace with the Palestinians and our other Arab neighbors. As part of the celebrations, we can send Israeli schoolchildren to Palestinian, Jordanian, Egyptian and Syrian children's homes to give gifts to the Arab children; conversely, we should bring in Arab children from these countries into our homes and let them pick valuable items that catch their fancy from our homes and take it back with them to their own homes.
We propose that the government set up a network of "peace-partners." This is to consist of peace-loving people around the world who support our position. For a $25 contribution, peace partners will receive membership cards with the slogan: "I'm a peace-partner with the Israeli government while it pursues the peace process for a lasting peace that ensures the legitimate rights of all nations in the region" embossed on the blue and white card. Other slogans we could use: "Land for Peace," "Judah Magnes was correct," "Whom are you going to believe: your own eyes or Labor Party politicians?" and so on. [We must, however, stay away from Biblical quotes at all costs (e.g. Isaiah 45:7 and Jeremiah 6:14; 8:10-11), because our goal is to promote a kulturkampf not to prevent one.] We'll establish a "900" toll number that people around the world can call to express their support for the elected government of Israel ($2.79/minute). We can get the Pope, Clinton, and other heads of state to cut commercials for us. Since we're trying to dissociate ourselves from American Jewry, it will be useful for us to have a huge direct-mailing list of peace-partners around the World whom we can call on for contributions in our hours of need. There are numerous additional methods of raising money from peace-partners, once the network is in place. We could, for example, sell the blocks of stone that comprise the Western Wall to large donors, placing a bronze plaque with the donor's name on the stone that he or she buys. This would also encourage peace-partners to visit Israel. We can attach the plaques with a special removable glue (eg. rubber cement) so that we can sell the same blocks to multiple donors, switching the plaques when the owners come to view "their" stone. All of the hundreds of millions of dollars raised from our peace-partner network will go towards Labor Party campaign and operating expenses, since it is vital we remain in power to continue the peace process. Arafat, of course, if he so wishes, can sell colored tiles from the Dome of the Rock mosque to his peace partners. The money he raises he can add to his numbered Swiss accounts, or to his private slush fund account in Bank Leumi, which we set up for him.
Anyone, such as right-wing fanatics Avigdor Kahalani and Ezer Weitzman, who oppose the peace process and want to bring down war on our heads, should be arrested. As you know, Avigdor was the hero of the Yom Kippur war who stopped Syrian armour before it reached the Bnot Ya-akov bridge and penetrated into unprotected northern Israel. Now, with former army chief of staff, Dan Shomron, Avigdor is starting a new political party, "The Third Way." Avigdor has recently said at a political convention: "I can hardly look Rabin in the eyes; I still admire the man, but not what he stands for. Moti, how long will we go on fooling ourselves? The State of Israel has reached a critical point. I believe the Arabs more than I do the Labor Party: that there will be no peace unless we give them back Jerusalem, unless we return to the '67 borders, unless we retreat even from there." At the same convention, our fellow Labor Party member, Uri Eisner, opined: "Once the Labor Party was made up of hawks and doves; today it's composed of doves and sheep." And our President, on whom we thought we could rely? First, he refuses to pardon female murderers we promised Arafat we would set free as a confidence building measure. Now, he states publicly that Oslo II is "not an agreement; even the police minster and attorney-general have complaints about it. A majority of 61 to 59 is a majority?" Weizman went on to say that Oslo II had only passed by one vote because Deputy Housing Minister Alex Goldfarb supported the government in return for a Mitsubishi automobile, one of the perquisites of a deputy minister's post. Our Labor Party Secretary-General, Nissim Zvilli, declared correctly last week: "President Weizman is causing more damage to the peace process and the Labor Party than the Likud.
First of all, let's take Avigdor down a peg. Let's put out the word that it was not Kahalani who stopped the Syrian tanks, rather, it was Yossi Beilin--who did it by himself, armed only with an Uzi, a few handgrenades and an old Davidka. We'll watch Avigdor fume and hang out to dry, twisting slowly in the wind. As far as Weizman is concerned, let's smear him. Remind the public that his uncle, Chaim, the first president of Israel and the catalyst for the issuance of the Balfour Declaration, was a chemist who invented a method to enhance high explosives for the British in World War I. How can the nephew of a warmonger and munitions manufacturer represent the new Israel while it seeks peace with its new Arab peace partners? (At all costs, let us not mention Weizman's drinking; we've just learned that since the death of our previous prime minister, sales of whiskey to the prime minister's office have plummeted from a case per week to zero; it could do us great harm to publicize Saint Yitzhak's alcoholism and cognitive impairment). Let's support Dedi Zucker, our coalition partner from Meretz. He's the Law Committee chairman who is proposing a law forbidding the President from expressing opinions on subjects on which there is no public consensus. If we shut up our political opponents we'll have national consensus, won't we?
We need to develop new methods of dealing with people like these right-wing anti-patriots, who don't understand that peace requires the participation and acquiescence of all patriotic Israelis to the weakening and ultimately the destruction of Israeli civil liberties, such as freedom of speech. In this way, we can be more like the Arab countries surrounding us. By emulating the Arab nations within whose midst we live, we can ensure that the peace process continues.
We could keep these murderous extremists in administrative detention for months or years or, more fruitfully, we could send them to re-education camps where they could be taught the rules of a civilized society, such as not criticizing the government in power and certainly not using such despicable tactics as political satire that's in bad (or even good) taste. We suggest setting up these camps in the Galilee, where there's lots of room and where we could use those damn Israeli Arabs as laborers and guards. Incidentally, we think it is wise to continue to withhold government money from the financially-strapped Arab communities in the Galil. Much better is it to pour money down the rathole of Gaza and into the pockets of the corrupt PLO terrorist leaders so that our PLO peace partners will continue the peace process. Let the PLO themselves make the financial investments in the Galilee when we give it to them in Oslo VI.
A third alternative is to take these religious fascist fanatics out to sea in helicopters and see if they can high-dive (we could hire our Argentinian friends to help us on this one; in turn, we can drop our request that they investigate the bombing of the Buenos Aires Jewish Center and Israeli embassy, which investigation can only embarrass the Syrian and Iranian governments, our soon-to-be-former-enemies, with whom we want to come to a peace agreement). Alternatively, we could ship these fanatics to China. They know how to deal with troublemakers. And they owe us, considering our upgrading of the avionics of their MIG fleet and our sales to them of advanced missile guidance technology (which they can then sell to our future peace-partners, the Saudis, Iranians and Syrians, who can then return the missile guidance systems to us in the nosecones of their missiles; come to think of it, perhaps we ought to sell high-tech weapons to Syria and Iran directly to boost the peace process - watch for a future memo on this possibly very lucrative deal).
The above is a policy blueprint which we think is eminently practical. We think the atmosphere is suitable for a purge of our political enemies, which is to say, anyone who disagrees with us. As the previous premier was wont to say: Hamas is the tool of the Likud, those who disagree with us can spin like propellers or dry out on the hilltops. They're not real Israelis, they're partners with Hamas, and they should go back where they came from.
Let us act now and strike while the iron is hot. Inshallah, we shall succeed.
It would be wonderful if we could designate a spokesperson for our cause, especially a woman, perhaps the wife of a living (or dead) cabinet member. We need a foaming attack dog who is willing to bite our political opposition and smear them as fanatics, extremists and murderers who should be outlawed from participation in public or private life in Israel. Unfortunately, we don't think we could find in democratic, pluralistic and close-knit Israel, a person who has the arrogance, nastiness and meanness of spirit to taint a political opponent with charges of murder. Especially so soon after the tragedy, we certainly couldn't find someone with the bad taste to use the tragedy as a weapon against our democratically elected political adversaries. (If you think of a woman so devoid of decency and so committed to dividing and weakening Israel [a la Kamtza u Bar-Kamtza], let us know; we could turn her into a national icon and trot her out, moist eyes and all, to do her dog and pony show at political rallies.)
Shimon, let us know what you think. Needless to say, secrecy is of the utmost importance.
Be-y'didut, Shula, Yossi, Yossi
Written by Kenneth P. Price, PhD in psychology from SUNY at Stony Brook who teaches med school and has been in clinical practice since 1980. B.J.Ed. (Bachelor of Jewish Education) degree from the (Boston) Hebrew College.