MUSLIM OLYMPICS

Satire by Mike Levine

The Arab/Muslim world, unhappy with the International Olympics Committee for allowing those pushy Jews to participate and win several medals, have announced the formation of their very own Olympic games. The first games will be held in 2008. A huge Olympic village will be built on the site of the former city of Tel Aviv, which was completely demolished following the massive evacuation ordered by Ariel Sharon, who, in a message to the first all-Arab Knesset, said, "We have no partner on the other side, therefore we must make tough unilateral decisions and make the hard concessions required for real peace. This will once and for all prove to the world how democratic and fair we are and eliminate anti-Semitism forever. This is the solemn promise made to me by US President Ben Laden."

Although the plans are being kept secret, some information has leaked out. These are some of the events we have to look forward to:

Artistic beheadings. Points will be awarded for the slowness of cuts, the loudness of the gurgling, and the distance the blood squirts. Points will also be awarded based on ethnicity of those beheaded, with Jews earning the highest awards, Americans next, Brits third, and so on. France, of course, will be excluded as they are serving as honorary judges in the competition.

Bomb design. Entrants will be judged on technical skill, ability to handle explosives without killing themselves, and extra points will be awarded for the amount of shrapnel packed into the bomb; things such as razor blades, rat poison, ball bearings, nails, screws, straight pins, and rusty iron bars.

Two faced lying. Anyone can lie, but it takes great technique to be able to lie your head off when facing western journalists saying things like "we condemn the suicide bombings', then turning the other face to the Arab/Muslim press and praising the same bombers as honored Shaheeds, martyrs and heroes.

Refugee camp construction. This great sport began in 1948 and reached it's peak in 1967 when hundreds of thousands of Arabs were encouraged by their leaders to run from a war they started, and who were then thrown into slums, called refugee camps, told they were unwelcome by their brothers in Arab lands, and turned over to the UN for care and feeding.

Sword rattling. Iranians are masters at this sport, having become champions with the retirement of Saddam Hussein.

Whining. This sport is learned at mothers knee who demonstrates it is far better to complain than to take responsibility for your own mistakes.

Playing the victim. This is the sister sport of whining, and the two games are often played at the same time. Instant ability to wail loudly and beat yourself are greatly admired.

Lynching. A sport played usually by a large team against one or a maximum of two victims. Inspired by the activities held in the Coliseum by the ancient Romans, the main difference is that the Romans used hungry tigers, whereby the professional Muslim lynchers enjoy using their fingers to rip the eyes from their victims, and their hands to rip out the guts and still-beating hearts.

Burning flags. Not as easy as it looks. Takes great skill to drape the flag folds correctly, so the American and Israeli emblems show up well on TV, and the burning must be slow and picturesque. A team numbering thousands who must learn to stomp on the burning flags without themselves being set afire supports this.

Digging tunnels. Points are awarded for depth of tunneling, speed of digging, ability to hide the earth removed, and the dimensions must be large enough to fit the transfer of missiles, shoulder held rockets, thousands of boxes of ammunition and explosives, and all must be accomplished without detection.

Shooting guns in the air. A very exciting and colorful game played at every funeral by thousands, even funerals of car accident victims. Points are awarded by the number of innocent bystanders and kids the falling bullets can hit.

Street fairs and celebrations. To mark important national events, such as 9/11, the murder of Jewish children, and the bombing of bus loads of innocent civilians. Includes skills such as throwing candy in the streets, ululating wildly, as well as shooting in the air.

These are just some of the sporting events contemplating by the organizers of the Muslim Olympic Games in 2008. Others are definitely being considered. In fact the organizing committee, whose chairman is President-for-Eternity Arafart, are requesting members of the general community to make suggestions for other games. Please send your suggestions to me and I will see they reach the committee.

In addition to gold, silver, and bronze medals, outstanding participants will receive 70 dark eyed virgins and an embossed key to paradise.

Deserving women will be awarded the honor of cleaning stadium stands and toilets.