Reprinted from The Jerusalem Post of October 3, 1999
THE PERES PILL
By David Weinberg
Politicians who speak of the 'New Middle
East' must be
under the influence of a hallucinatory drug.
Last week, our security-oriented Prime Minister Ehud Barak unexplainably began to talk about "the New Middle East." Ah yes, the New Middle East, that nirvana-like dream world created by imaginative minds desperate for peace at any cost. Barak must be on the Peres pill.
The Peres pill, you see, is a powerful drug invented and distributed by this country's elder statesman and former prime minister Shimon Peres. Be sure to read the fine print on the packaging label before taking this prescription-only medication. Therapeutic activity: For the relief of dilemmas in the peace process and uncertainties in relating to the Arab Middle East. Induces hallucination and wishful thinking, allowing the patient to ignore the hostile intentions of, and shrug-off the threatening declarations of, neighboring Arabs. Allows the user to believe that peace is breaking out all over. Most effective on a fatigued, depressed populace, and/or a public which has become extremely affluent and comfortable and no longer has the stamina for continued struggle.
Composition: Each capsule contains 5 mg of laxative (for catharsis, to clear the mind of paranoia and out-dated nationalistic fervor); 10 mg of valium (a relaxant); 20 mg of amphetamine (stimulates feverish mental activity); 200 mg of LSD (aids in hallucination); 700 mg of essence of sophisticated, intellectual French wine (helps the mind ignore Mideast realities).
How will this medicine affect your daily life?: Use of this medicine may impair alertness to dangers and therefore caution should be exercised when engaging in activities such as driving a car, operating heavy machinery or taking the helm of state. Patient is likely to develop delusionary tendencies, and to say things like "science is more important than territory" or "a row of five-star hotels on the Hermon is a better guarantee of peace than a line of early warning stations."
Takers of this drug are prone to take wild leaps of faith and to project all their good intentions onto the adversary (transference). As such, they are liable to cavalierly and hastily forgo hard national security assets without appropriate return or safeguards.
THIS DRUG also has been known to activate frantic philanthropic activity aimed at planting hi-tech wheat fields around Gaza, the establishment of joint bio- technology farms with Egypt, the building of industrial parks for Yasser Arafat, and the tying of tripartite town twinnings, such as that, for example, between Brussels, Bir Zeit, and Bnei Brak. The drug-induced assumption here is that economic advancement will cause its beneficiaries to moderate or abandon their hostile and decade-old goals of over-powering the Zionist enemy.
Patients on the Peres pill tend to develop a fancy for all things and leaders European, and enjoy cavorting around the continent garnering support from kings, princesses, Marxist novelists and intellectuals, movie stars, and socialist leaders who have lots of money to throw at the Palestinians. Users are partial to Norway.
Warnings: Do not take this medicine if your country has a waist less than 50 kilometers wide. You may end up in the sea. Inform your doctor and consult first with your psychiatrist if you are sensitive to historic, national, and religious rights, to the justness of history or to the logic of deterrence doctrine. Patients often develop an aloofness to the common Israeli man-in-the-street, who simply just doesn't understand the sublime and cultured approach to peace engendered by the drug. Do not take before meals or at any time within six months of an Israeli election campaign.
Side effects: In addition to the desired effect of the medicine, adverse reactions may occur during the course of taking this medicine, such as rapid weight and land loss, loss of fluids and water resources, withdrawal symptoms, and inflammation of the ego. Deafness, especially to Palestinian antisemitism and threats of violence, may develop. Consult your doctor and reconsider your political affiliation immediately if you experience blindness to Palestinian treaty violations, Iranian nuclear programs, Syrian and Egyptian military build-ups and the like; or if you find yourself always excusing the other side's gross failures and breezily overlooking its dictatorial character.
Antidote: In case of overdose, take two Bibis [Editor's Note: I would have suggested taking two Jabotinskys] or equivalent for at least three years. Proceed immediately to a hospital emergency room or an emergency bomb shelter. Recommended dosage and directions for use: This is an experimental medication. Effects of the drug for the long- term have not been proven. Take at your own risk. Not recommended for children, the faint-hearted, or those involved in diplomatic negotiations. Adults: one capsule only if necessary, chewed slowly and cautiously. Keep your guard up and army in ready state when under the influence of this psychotropic drug. Do not swallow whole! Keep out of the hands of sitting prime ministers, especially Ehud Barak.
(c) Jerusalem Post 1999
David Weinberg comments on current affairs.